Take Joy My King in what You Hear...
I will first say that this has not been my year for blogging. I'm a start something and finish something kind of girl. I have about a million post that have never been written or drafts written that have never been published. You have never even seen my amazing pictures of Jerusalem and places like were David defeated Goliath.
The thought of stories never being told actually physically hurts me. I'm a story teller. That's just who I am. But this year has just not gone the way I thought it would go.
Most of you know by now that I am moving to Arkansas.
Up until last friday I was over the moon about this. Planning, daydreaming, looking online for a home to buy. So exciting to move and so excited to be starting a new teaching job in a great school system! I had planned a big post to tell you all. But for some reason I just kept walking away from anything I started to write.
Well, the big news is that last Friday I arrived in Bentonville to sign all my papers and I was told the job was no long full time but part time. And as you can imagine, it took all my strength to make it through the next hour without crying like a baby. I kept telling myself to just keep it together for now.
I got back in my parents car and cried as if the love of my life had broken up with me. I might have cried for hours. So so so upset.
From the beginning I knew this move to another state would not be easy. Selling a house in this market is something only God can do. Finding a new place with the likelihood that I might still have to rent and pay my house note was just the reality of the situation. I knew that from the beginning. The money would be there and I would just be extra careful with my spending.
So I walked into that office friday so full of excitement and joy...And I left there with the reality that this job might not go back full time and my salary would be cut in half. Most of you know teachers are payed for about 192ish days but it is divided by 12 months. That's right....not only will i not be able to afford my house note (if it does not sell in time) I would def not be able to afford an apartment.
It seemed like too much. Had I not heard the Lord correctly? Had I walked out on this alone? I knew that moving to Arkansas was never something I would have ever done. I mean, I love Texas. But I knew that Father had started planting the idea of "Arkansas" 2 years prior. I knew that history of how these desires began...so I knew His hand was on this.
But like I said before...this year has been hard. Spiritually hard, emotionally/financially/job hard/writing hard. I feel as though I have not served others very much this year, I feel as though God has not used me for His work this year, and I feel like I have struggled the most with Believing God than ever before.
But months ago God told me that I would be moving to Arkansas. Weeks before that He told me that I would never marry if I stayed in my current school situation. Those are 2 truths that God chose to share with me. He never mentioned the job or that my house would sell or that it would come together in this beautiful little package.
No.
He just said "Go".......and after a few years of hearing Him say "wait" you better believe that I'm not about to disobey and stay because it would be easier.
No way.
Will I have money to pay bills...well right now that is a no. Are there a lot of people wanting to make offers on my house...well right now no.
The truth is I'm scared to death.
The truth is many will think that "going" is not smart. not wise.
But oct 23, 2010 I wrote in my prayer journal that I would go where ever he sent me. I wrote that I desired to really really really bear fruit of the one I belonged to. I asked Him to transform me, to renew my mind so that my desires no longer where worldly but that I desired to really serve Him.
And I believe that He is doing all these things. And none of the details of my life right now are pretty. If fact, if I were to share all the little pieces with you it might make you have anxiety too. ha! But no matter what, I keep reminding myself that not every blessing comes in the way we think it should come. And not every ugly/hard thing is bad. I am finding that these hard things just might be big blessings in disguise. A part time teaching job might not be so bad. And money is just money. He has faithfully supplied my every need from the moment i was being formed in my mother's womb.
He knows the end. I am in the dark but He is light...He can see it all.
So i have been avoiding writing because I felt like I was spending to many post complaining. But the truth is that He is really making me work this all out. I feel as though i have been doing this "will i move/will i not move" dance since the day I turned 29. Honestly, because I am feeling a lack of serving others in several areas, I am so ready for all this to be over with because I am tired of it being about me and figuring stuff out. I'm on my own nerves and I'm ready to get moved, get settled and put my focus on other human beings. Does that make sense?
This is not how I imagined I would be spending my summer. But my Father will do what He wants to do. All the while never forgetting me or leavening me alone to navigate it by myself. I have a future and I am looking forward to watching it play out. Even when it hurts to see...at least I know I'm really living.
I'm rambling now. Anyway, I would love your prayers. I need the job to go full time and my house to sell by Aug 1. Big requests I know. But I am a firm believer in the power of prayer. So please pray that I will stop trying to figure out or look at all the "what if" scenarios. That I will take small steps day by day. That I will not try to survive this but to really walk in victory during this. Beth Moore has said "People are not looking for you to have it all together. Their looking to see what you do when you don't"......and as you can see I don't have it together. So pray that I would honor Him anyway.
I love you that are reading this. I'm sure that is few since I have not written in so long. Be patient with me and pray that God would begin to write and speak through me again.
I will leave you with an old praise song I sing when I feel anxiety trying to take over me....
I love you Lord and I lift my voice.
To worship you oh my soul rejoice.
Take joy my king in what you hear
may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear...........
Father, all I know is that you said move. The rest is a mystery. Make me strong to face the unknown. Continue to remind me that I'm not alone on a battle field trying to survive. No, I am made perfect in weakness. You created women with the built in need for security. Nothing feels secure for me right now. But I am not in control. I am not in control. I am not in control. You don't need my help in planning my future. You need my faithful heart to know you've got it all under control. I love you. Forgive me for being so wishy washy this year with my belief. Thank you for putting up with me and all my craziness. Use me for your glory and thank you that your love does not ever change towards me. i love you. amen
The thought of stories never being told actually physically hurts me. I'm a story teller. That's just who I am. But this year has just not gone the way I thought it would go.
Most of you know by now that I am moving to Arkansas.
Up until last friday I was over the moon about this. Planning, daydreaming, looking online for a home to buy. So exciting to move and so excited to be starting a new teaching job in a great school system! I had planned a big post to tell you all. But for some reason I just kept walking away from anything I started to write.
Well, the big news is that last Friday I arrived in Bentonville to sign all my papers and I was told the job was no long full time but part time. And as you can imagine, it took all my strength to make it through the next hour without crying like a baby. I kept telling myself to just keep it together for now.
I got back in my parents car and cried as if the love of my life had broken up with me. I might have cried for hours. So so so upset.
From the beginning I knew this move to another state would not be easy. Selling a house in this market is something only God can do. Finding a new place with the likelihood that I might still have to rent and pay my house note was just the reality of the situation. I knew that from the beginning. The money would be there and I would just be extra careful with my spending.
So I walked into that office friday so full of excitement and joy...And I left there with the reality that this job might not go back full time and my salary would be cut in half. Most of you know teachers are payed for about 192ish days but it is divided by 12 months. That's right....not only will i not be able to afford my house note (if it does not sell in time) I would def not be able to afford an apartment.
It seemed like too much. Had I not heard the Lord correctly? Had I walked out on this alone? I knew that moving to Arkansas was never something I would have ever done. I mean, I love Texas. But I knew that Father had started planting the idea of "Arkansas" 2 years prior. I knew that history of how these desires began...so I knew His hand was on this.
But like I said before...this year has been hard. Spiritually hard, emotionally/financially/job hard/writing hard. I feel as though I have not served others very much this year, I feel as though God has not used me for His work this year, and I feel like I have struggled the most with Believing God than ever before.
But months ago God told me that I would be moving to Arkansas. Weeks before that He told me that I would never marry if I stayed in my current school situation. Those are 2 truths that God chose to share with me. He never mentioned the job or that my house would sell or that it would come together in this beautiful little package.
No.
He just said "Go".......and after a few years of hearing Him say "wait" you better believe that I'm not about to disobey and stay because it would be easier.
No way.
Will I have money to pay bills...well right now that is a no. Are there a lot of people wanting to make offers on my house...well right now no.
The truth is I'm scared to death.
The truth is many will think that "going" is not smart. not wise.
But oct 23, 2010 I wrote in my prayer journal that I would go where ever he sent me. I wrote that I desired to really really really bear fruit of the one I belonged to. I asked Him to transform me, to renew my mind so that my desires no longer where worldly but that I desired to really serve Him.
And I believe that He is doing all these things. And none of the details of my life right now are pretty. If fact, if I were to share all the little pieces with you it might make you have anxiety too. ha! But no matter what, I keep reminding myself that not every blessing comes in the way we think it should come. And not every ugly/hard thing is bad. I am finding that these hard things just might be big blessings in disguise. A part time teaching job might not be so bad. And money is just money. He has faithfully supplied my every need from the moment i was being formed in my mother's womb.
He knows the end. I am in the dark but He is light...He can see it all.
So i have been avoiding writing because I felt like I was spending to many post complaining. But the truth is that He is really making me work this all out. I feel as though i have been doing this "will i move/will i not move" dance since the day I turned 29. Honestly, because I am feeling a lack of serving others in several areas, I am so ready for all this to be over with because I am tired of it being about me and figuring stuff out. I'm on my own nerves and I'm ready to get moved, get settled and put my focus on other human beings. Does that make sense?
This is not how I imagined I would be spending my summer. But my Father will do what He wants to do. All the while never forgetting me or leavening me alone to navigate it by myself. I have a future and I am looking forward to watching it play out. Even when it hurts to see...at least I know I'm really living.
I'm rambling now. Anyway, I would love your prayers. I need the job to go full time and my house to sell by Aug 1. Big requests I know. But I am a firm believer in the power of prayer. So please pray that I will stop trying to figure out or look at all the "what if" scenarios. That I will take small steps day by day. That I will not try to survive this but to really walk in victory during this. Beth Moore has said "People are not looking for you to have it all together. Their looking to see what you do when you don't"......and as you can see I don't have it together. So pray that I would honor Him anyway.
I love you that are reading this. I'm sure that is few since I have not written in so long. Be patient with me and pray that God would begin to write and speak through me again.
I will leave you with an old praise song I sing when I feel anxiety trying to take over me....
I love you Lord and I lift my voice.
To worship you oh my soul rejoice.
Take joy my king in what you hear
may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear...........
Father, all I know is that you said move. The rest is a mystery. Make me strong to face the unknown. Continue to remind me that I'm not alone on a battle field trying to survive. No, I am made perfect in weakness. You created women with the built in need for security. Nothing feels secure for me right now. But I am not in control. I am not in control. I am not in control. You don't need my help in planning my future. You need my faithful heart to know you've got it all under control. I love you. Forgive me for being so wishy washy this year with my belief. Thank you for putting up with me and all my craziness. Use me for your glory and thank you that your love does not ever change towards me. i love you. amen