Afraid to move....
This is what I have been praying often and with great passion.
I need a way out. I need another option. I need a change.
The truth......am desperate for a new job. 7 years at the current one and I don't think another year will benefit anyone.
Yes, it is also true.....I have wanted to leave for awhile but the Lord just hasn't let me. I think the time has come for the "ok'. But change does not come easy or without cost. Pro/Con list a mile long and the hardest decisions are weighing on me even in the middle of the night.
But this I know to be true.....I need change. I will be 30 in a few months and I can't see myself starting this next stage of life stuck doing what I am doing now. I feel and act like I am 29 going on 65. The requirement to defend my joy on a daily basis and the act of disciplining the hardest of offenders is aging me beyond belief.
And after returning from Israel I knew these changes really did have to take place and soon. I'm thinking of naming this part and the next part of my life....... "Traveling Twenties, Thriving Thirties".....catchy right? ha!
I mean, the Lord has let me do so many things in my 20's. Lived and traveled to most of the places I have always wanted to go to. But I am ready to really settle down. Of course, I'm not just talking about getting married and kids. I want to move near friends, I want to find a job that allows me to really give my all and to use the spiritual gifts within me to bless others.
I need a change of clientele in the classroom. I need people around me. I need real fellowship.
Does this mean I would sell my house? YES
Does this mean I would move to another state? YES
Does this mean I would do something outside of teaching? YES
Does this mean I would sell all my things and live in a retro bubble camper?
YES ...but I'm thinking baby blue to match my cute retro bike! ha!
Anyway, you get the point. God has brought me to this point in my life that I am completely ready (spiritually, physically, financially, mentally) to go drastic should that be what Father calls me to.
I say all of this because you will NOT believe what happened to me today........ I was driving to school this morning and praying out loud. Nothing new or ordinary about that. I was spending more time just really praying about my future and actually begging God to...
MAKE A WAY...
"Lord, make a way for me. PLEASE LORD! Make a way"
There was a moment there where I just drove in silence. Then reached for the radio to turn on my favorite christian station. The very first words I heard were....
So what are you waiting for
What do you have to lose
Your insecurities
They try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes
And you can walk on the water too
I could hardly believe what I was hearing. How cool is God to have me turn on the radio the moment this was playing. I didn't even know who's song it was (Britt Nicole) until I looked it up this morning. The next verses say.....
So get out and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don't wait
And don't you turn around, and miss out on
Everything you were made for
Gotta be, I know you're not sure, more
So you play it safe, you try to run away
If you take that first step
Into the unknown
He won't let you go
..."If I take that first step into the unknown".....the unknown. I found myself singing along so loud with my hand high in the air. I even turned, at one point, and made eye contact with the person beside me on 35!!!!!!!!!!!! hahhahahhaha but i just kept singing. ha.
Anyway, it was one of those moments when you finally LISTEN/UNDERSTAND the words of a song you've been singing along with for awhile. And these words really meant something to me. I can't be afraid to move. I can't be afraid to step out. I can't worry about what others think. I have to step out...I have to be ok with the unknown. I have to seek Him fully so that I shut-up long enough to hear His sometimes whispered guidance. I have to.
I have to seek first the kingdom of God and faithful understand and TRUST that all these things (whatever those things might be) will be added in and according to God's time.
I'm pretty sure none of this will make sense because I am randomly writing. This is the update on me. I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't mean to always complain about my job. Just so much waiting. The "waiting room"....I know this place all to well. In fact, it kinda feels like home. But no matter what, I can't stop claiming "YES LORD, walking in the way of YOUR LAWS, we (I) WAIT FOR YOU; Your name and RENOWN are the Desires of our (my) HEART." Isaiah 26.8..... I can't stop claiming this because I really do want God's "way". Even if it feels or looks scary to others. I really don't want my own way because anytime you get a taste of what His plan is like.... you can't settle for second best.
Father, make a way. I don't care what "way" that is. I just want to serve you and be used by you. Please direct my steps. Please guide me out of this current situation. Lord you have not pushed me, molded me, or cleaned me out to live life playing it safe. Thank you that you will not leave me here forever. Thank you that Your plan will unfold. I'm struggling in this "waiting" but I know your eyes never leave me and that I am never alone. I love you, I so desperately need you. Please make a way. amen.