Eyes Fixed...
I had been praying for God to give me a peek at what He was up to. I didn't need much, but I was still begging for a peek of what the future looked like. A little idea of what was to come.
And there I was....standing in front of Him. His gaze, on me, so strong I thought I might not survive.
"What is going on"...I thought. Forgetting He knew my every thought.
He just continued to look at me. All around Him it grew very dark. The only light present was on Him and there was a scroll. A very large scroll the width of a football field. Handles the size of a car.
I continued to just stare at Him. Not a clue what to do.
And then He moved.
Picked up on end of the massive scroll and threw it into the darkness. And the darkness was no more because the scroll illuminated a brilliant light with shimmering twinkles as it unrolled.
I looked in wonder as the paper began to move up and down like waves in the ocean. It went on as far as the eyes could see.
I had never seen anything like it. And then, as the scroll moved like waves, pictures and place began to spring up from the scroll.
As though it was a pop up book.
I began to smile with delight.
I recognized them all as events in my life. Things, people, places I had been apart of.
My smile began to grow wider as small clips of my life began to play as the scroll moved passed me. What wonder, what amazement.
And then I saw Him turn toward me...
"And now, this is what you asked for" ...He spoke sternly to me.
What could it be? What had I asked for? Why was He not watching the scroll in delight?
And that was when I saw it.
The light became dim and the scroll began to move like waves faster and faster. So fast I could feel the wind on my face and in my hair.
And a picture popped up that was unknown to me. And then another. And then another.
I said to Him "I don't know what this is. What is going on"....
I turned back to the scroll just as flashes of light began to burst forth from the scroll high in the air.
And I saw it....my entire future started to play out before me. One clip after another clip. Each coming and going faster and faster.
I began to panic.
Why was I seeing this.
Next year and the next was before me. Every detail swarming around me. I could feel my heart pounding harder and harder.
Then my wedding played.
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I yelled into the darkness. Now standing alone.
Then my children's lives played.
"NO!!!!!!!!!!" I yelled in great anguish. Covering my eyes from their faces.
One hope after another was being exposed in front of me. I began to wept great tears of devastation.
"STOP IT NOW" I yelled into the darkness.
More clips continued to play.
"NO! NO! I DON'T WANT THAT.....I would not have chosen that for me! NO, Stop it! I don't want to see! Stop! I don't want that for my life"
I fell to my knees crying. "Father, I don't want to see. I don't want what is there. I would not have every wanted that for my life. Why, why are you showing me this".......
And the scroll stopped moving.
I remained on my knees so heavy burdened that I could not even look up.
Then the scroll rolled back up and decreased greatly in size.
And before me stood the God of the Universe. I could not make out His face but I knew His voice.
"You, Caroline, do not want to see your future because it is according to My plan and not your own. You saw with your own eyes that it's much different than what you had in mind"...He continued to talk softly....."But do not be afraid. You belong to me but you long for earthly things. I will train you up to long for eternal things....will you go my way?......"
And then He was gone.
And I woke up....the clock said 2.30am
I just set there. Brain completely blank. Did that just happen?
Seconds later it all just made sense to me. I have been praying so hard about a little hint of my future that my goal had started to change. I didn't really want a peek, I wanted the whole story. I was praying one thing but longing for the other. I don't know if any of this will make sense so let me just dump it all out....
See, i was really wanting way more than I could handle. Even though I KNOW God's word says "I am a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path"......I was begging Him to break out the spot light and move out of the way. Lamp light only puts off so much light....enough for a few steps. He gives us that lamp light as a boundary and as a freedom at the same time. Like He is saying "Here..you can see this much so go get to work. But don't move out of this light because it is pure darkness...remember narrow is the path that leads to life". As the light moves...I get to move. Freedom/Boundary.
But I was really wanting to break out of that light. I didn't even realize that serious pride was sneaking up, trying to take over. So, I have this dream and God grants me my prayer request and I don't want to see. I can't handle it. Every detail is in front of me and I didn't want to see it.
I can't make sense of this, but at 2.30am I felt like the Holy Spirit was saying to me "you can see all the pictures of your future but you will miss all the moments, Caroline"..."You saw what was to come and you didn't want it. That's because you don't know what you had to do or go through to get there. What you had to learn or how you had to change. You don't know the deep secret prayers you whispered in the night. No, you just saw the pictures.....but you didn't get to see the story"....
And I just started to cry. It's true. I want to jump out of my place in line, bypass the story and just get my picture.
But God has called me to more. To not just run after the prize for my own glory but for His. To be able to serve fully, live boldly, and follow faithfully in the light space provided. To be content in the light space provided. To NOT jump ahead in line or out into the darkness. To not force something that His hand is not even on. And to really learn what it means to put my hope in what is to come....what I can't see.
2 Corinthians 4 ... "For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
.............But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” ................And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!
So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.."
Father.....I fix my gaze on you. I put my hope in what is to come. I thank you for that crazy dream. How clear it was and how direct it was. I can still feel what I was feeling as I watched my future play out. WHAT HAVE I BEEN THINKING???? We both know I love the surprises of life. Not knowing the next step or what is around the corner. Forgive me Lord for picking up the nasty yoke of pride and wearing it proudly. Forgive me for wanting to take that same yoke and hit everyone in line in front of me. I will plant my feet firmly and not move till you say "move". You are right, I became clouded and blinded by the earthly wants. But you want me to want the things that last an eternity. Purify me and cut away the pride that nails me to the floor. You have my story already written....but the best part of the story is what happens between us. I want to long for you, Lord. I want to long to be with you. Most of all, I want your story not my own. I know better and yet I am so prone to forget. Your way is best and your plans are BETTER. I will go your way. I love you. Amen
And there I was....standing in front of Him. His gaze, on me, so strong I thought I might not survive.
"What is going on"...I thought. Forgetting He knew my every thought.
He just continued to look at me. All around Him it grew very dark. The only light present was on Him and there was a scroll. A very large scroll the width of a football field. Handles the size of a car.
I continued to just stare at Him. Not a clue what to do.
And then He moved.
Picked up on end of the massive scroll and threw it into the darkness. And the darkness was no more because the scroll illuminated a brilliant light with shimmering twinkles as it unrolled.
I looked in wonder as the paper began to move up and down like waves in the ocean. It went on as far as the eyes could see.
I had never seen anything like it. And then, as the scroll moved like waves, pictures and place began to spring up from the scroll.
As though it was a pop up book.
I began to smile with delight.
I recognized them all as events in my life. Things, people, places I had been apart of.
My smile began to grow wider as small clips of my life began to play as the scroll moved passed me. What wonder, what amazement.
And then I saw Him turn toward me...
"And now, this is what you asked for" ...He spoke sternly to me.
What could it be? What had I asked for? Why was He not watching the scroll in delight?
And that was when I saw it.
The light became dim and the scroll began to move like waves faster and faster. So fast I could feel the wind on my face and in my hair.
And a picture popped up that was unknown to me. And then another. And then another.
I said to Him "I don't know what this is. What is going on"....
I turned back to the scroll just as flashes of light began to burst forth from the scroll high in the air.
And I saw it....my entire future started to play out before me. One clip after another clip. Each coming and going faster and faster.
I began to panic.
Why was I seeing this.
Next year and the next was before me. Every detail swarming around me. I could feel my heart pounding harder and harder.
Then my wedding played.
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I yelled into the darkness. Now standing alone.
Then my children's lives played.
"NO!!!!!!!!!!" I yelled in great anguish. Covering my eyes from their faces.
One hope after another was being exposed in front of me. I began to wept great tears of devastation.
"STOP IT NOW" I yelled into the darkness.
More clips continued to play.
"NO! NO! I DON'T WANT THAT.....I would not have chosen that for me! NO, Stop it! I don't want to see! Stop! I don't want that for my life"
I fell to my knees crying. "Father, I don't want to see. I don't want what is there. I would not have every wanted that for my life. Why, why are you showing me this".......
And the scroll stopped moving.
I remained on my knees so heavy burdened that I could not even look up.
Then the scroll rolled back up and decreased greatly in size.
And before me stood the God of the Universe. I could not make out His face but I knew His voice.
"You, Caroline, do not want to see your future because it is according to My plan and not your own. You saw with your own eyes that it's much different than what you had in mind"...He continued to talk softly....."But do not be afraid. You belong to me but you long for earthly things. I will train you up to long for eternal things....will you go my way?......"
And then He was gone.
And I woke up....the clock said 2.30am
I just set there. Brain completely blank. Did that just happen?
Seconds later it all just made sense to me. I have been praying so hard about a little hint of my future that my goal had started to change. I didn't really want a peek, I wanted the whole story. I was praying one thing but longing for the other. I don't know if any of this will make sense so let me just dump it all out....
See, i was really wanting way more than I could handle. Even though I KNOW God's word says "I am a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path"......I was begging Him to break out the spot light and move out of the way. Lamp light only puts off so much light....enough for a few steps. He gives us that lamp light as a boundary and as a freedom at the same time. Like He is saying "Here..you can see this much so go get to work. But don't move out of this light because it is pure darkness...remember narrow is the path that leads to life". As the light moves...I get to move. Freedom/Boundary.
But I was really wanting to break out of that light. I didn't even realize that serious pride was sneaking up, trying to take over. So, I have this dream and God grants me my prayer request and I don't want to see. I can't handle it. Every detail is in front of me and I didn't want to see it.
I can't make sense of this, but at 2.30am I felt like the Holy Spirit was saying to me "you can see all the pictures of your future but you will miss all the moments, Caroline"..."You saw what was to come and you didn't want it. That's because you don't know what you had to do or go through to get there. What you had to learn or how you had to change. You don't know the deep secret prayers you whispered in the night. No, you just saw the pictures.....but you didn't get to see the story"....
And I just started to cry. It's true. I want to jump out of my place in line, bypass the story and just get my picture.
But God has called me to more. To not just run after the prize for my own glory but for His. To be able to serve fully, live boldly, and follow faithfully in the light space provided. To be content in the light space provided. To NOT jump ahead in line or out into the darkness. To not force something that His hand is not even on. And to really learn what it means to put my hope in what is to come....what I can't see.
2 Corinthians 4 ... "For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
.............But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” ................And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!
So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.."
Father.....I fix my gaze on you. I put my hope in what is to come. I thank you for that crazy dream. How clear it was and how direct it was. I can still feel what I was feeling as I watched my future play out. WHAT HAVE I BEEN THINKING???? We both know I love the surprises of life. Not knowing the next step or what is around the corner. Forgive me Lord for picking up the nasty yoke of pride and wearing it proudly. Forgive me for wanting to take that same yoke and hit everyone in line in front of me. I will plant my feet firmly and not move till you say "move". You are right, I became clouded and blinded by the earthly wants. But you want me to want the things that last an eternity. Purify me and cut away the pride that nails me to the floor. You have my story already written....but the best part of the story is what happens between us. I want to long for you, Lord. I want to long to be with you. Most of all, I want your story not my own. I know better and yet I am so prone to forget. Your way is best and your plans are BETTER. I will go your way. I love you. Amen