Unfailing Love.......
The Nollner's
Gave me.........
A COMPUTER!!!!!!
I love you NOLLNER FAMILY!!!!!!
YOU HAVE BLESSED ME SO VERY MUCH~!!!!
I haven't blogged because my computer finally died over thanksgiving. DEAD. Oh the sadness. I am super grateful to my parents for giving me their computer a few years ago. I got it about 6 months after I started this blog. I had not ever had my own computer and was soooooo thrilled! I am so thankful that my parents allowed me to blog and write from home so that I did not have to go up to my classroom during the summer time to do it!!!
But as all electronics do.......it had a life and then it did not! The thought of buying a computer, when i was signing fat checks for my Israel trip, made me what to throw up. I have been so stressed lately about money and things. Totally not my nature.
By the time I was sitting in the car, early last Friday morning, I knew what needed to happen. I tweeted the following.....
-I have been a real piece of work this last week! Lord just put me in time out. 8 hrs in the car & He said i've got some forgiveness to seek.
7:48 AM Dec 3rd via TweetDeck
-And you know what.... I'm grateful cause I was getting on my own nerves! A Holy Calling Out is freedom....sets me soooo free
7:49 AM Dec 3rd via TweetDeck
the next morning......
-Woke up worried about money & this Israel trip. 2nd time this week. Im not a worrier. So I'm casting my cares upon Him...He will make a way!
Saturday, December 04, 2010 7:27:13 AM via TweetDeck
We were in Memphis Fri-Mon for cousin Ashley's wedding (post coming soon). Saturday night we went to the Nollner's house and during a conversation I mentioned my computer not working and Mike said they had just talked about giving their old one away. SUCH A GOD THING YALL!!!!! so overwhelmed with their kindness. A new computer was one of the very things on my long "worry" list.
Worry.....a big, fat, ugly sin that is so socially excepted that people often forget that it's sin....and even joke about it like it's cool. I am either trusting God or putting my trust in myself. I am almost grateful for the long period of time between writing posts because I have just been in a major battle against my own flesh. Choosing worry over trust.
I think, until yesterday, I doubted that God would come through for me. Terrible right. I mean, He did just put this computer in my hands. And yet I kept looking at my financial numbers and kept crunching numbers as though He had zero say/zero control over the money.
What a fool I have been. I have struggled with knowing if I misread God's 'go' for Israel. Did I try and manipulate this to work out? Even yesterday I was dealing with "Anything you have to manipulate to get you seldom get to keep"-Beth Moore. Though God has been really teaching me some things, I have also had some silence and now see that my worry was digging me deeper and deeper into a pit. It was beginning to control me.
Did you know that I even had some chest pain Saturday night at my grandparent's house. I was in bed just praying God would stop the pain. My sin had built up so much that it was not only hardening my heart but causing me some physical pain.
The thing is that I had been seeking forgiveness for my worry. I was fully aware of what it was doing to me and the separation it was causing between God and I. Daily I was seeking Him and daily I was picking the worry back up......trying to carry it alone.
I was seeking forgiveness but I was NOT REPENTING. I did not lay it all down at His feet and let Him carry it away. I was giving it and taking it right back. I was saying all the right things but doing none of the yielding to Father. So the sin just remained.
And so I began to be and act like my natural self. You see, when I am not walking in the Spirit and I am not yielding myself daily to the Lord then I am a big mess. I am EVERYTHING opposite of what the Fruits of the Spirit are. I am rude, critical, impatient, selfish, cold and completely unemotional. By the time I get to this stage I know I am in BIG TROUBLE.
On the way home Monday, I had a lot of time to just have my praise and worship music on and time in the Word. I listed all the emotions I had and all the ugly behaviors I was carrying. This time I really sought after God and really let go of wanting control. I was so exhausted. I wanted nothing to do with the person I had been the last few weeks.
That night I slept the best (without crazy satan dreams) I had in weeks. Went to school Tues/Wed...both great days. Had a minor episode Tues where the worry wanted to come back but I claimed my scriptures and refused to pick it back up. One battle won! amen!
Anyway, I'm rambling, but I just want you to know that despite my serious lack of trust and my terrible behavior, God was working. I thought He wasn't even listening to me but He was and DOES. I got home yesterday and had a card in the mail from a precious friend that is such an encouragement to me. Inside that card was a sweet surprise offering to take with me to Israel. I CRIED LIKE A BABY RIGHT THERE IN THE STREET!!!!!!! I mean sobbed.....
Because of her thoughtfulness.
Because He was providing for me.
Because God was talking with her when I didn't even know it.
Because I felt like I could breathe again.
Because her act of kindness made me feel so loved.
I just could not stop crying. What a fool I had been all those weeks. Staying up trying to put money here and there to make things work. Losing sleep over something I really couldn't control. God was moving, in big ways, behind the scenes. I couldn't see it, heck, I would not have even been able to hear Him if He spoke due to my worrying thoughts that were screaming so loud.
But He IS moving. I had the sweetest time with Father yesterday afternoon. Just on my knees praising Him. That He still loves me when I make stupid mistake after stupid mistake. That when I confess and repent He is faithful to forgive. I was praising Him for choosing to bless me even though I do not deserve it. My heart has been so ugly and He still works and moves on my behalf.
So today is a new day. These last few weeks..months even...have been hard for me despite the end result of walking where Jesus once walked. I have had to work out some sin issues. I hope that when I am in Israel I will be fully present to understand to magnitude of it all. That this trip did not come easy. That God made me work hard to clean my heart out, to learn how to trust Him in a different way, to sacrifice things that I didn't need, how to save and say "no", and how to just say "Lord, I can't do this. I can't do this. Stop this worry and set me free".
Deuteronomy 8:5- Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.
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Psalm 94:12- Blessed is the man you discipline, O LORD, the man you teach from your law;
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Proverbs 3:11- My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline and do not resent his rebuke,
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Proverbs 3:12- because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.
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Revelation 3:19- Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent.
God is Good....i just want to scream that out!!!!!!!!!!
"I have loved you, Caroline, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself"....Lord, thank you for speaking this directly to my heart. Thank you that nothing, NOTHING can seperate me from you. That is where I will put my trust. You are TRUTH, you can be trusted, and you are WITH ME! Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for your correction, discipline, and love. Thank you that I am forgiven and free. I pray you would bless those that so graciously blessed me. May you show them just how much of an impact their love made on me. Help me to cling to truth when the waters get rough and I become scared. You are God over me. I love you. amen