Humbling Weekend...
Last week was rough! I posted these two pictures on twitter last Monday...the first is my classroom
and the other was my cry for help...hahahha
...half kidding but it was a super crazy week. Seemed like every phone call brought heavy burdens, every email made me cry and every student was back-talking/refusing to work/acting crazy in class. I had just HAD IT! I honestly got to the point that i went to the ugly side. You know the side....when you choose not to yield yourself under God's authority and you "react" in ways you normally would not react. yeah, i went there Friday.
I was ugly to my Assistant Principal, on the phone, and took my frustration out on him. That was my low point. I had to apologized profusely minutes later. WHAT WAS I THINKING????? I lost control. I knew then that I better get on my face before the Lord or there was no telling what I would end up doing.
I was so disgusted with myself. During lunch I just cried out for forgiveness. I was trying to carry everything by myself...even though I had just written about casting it that Wed. And had cast it before the Lord......... and then woke up Friday morning and PICKED IT ALL BACK UP. uuugggghhhh. It was all to much and I was in need of a major time out.
So right after school Friday I hopped in the car and headed north to Oklahoma City, to spend the weekend with Laura and Daniel. It was just what I needed. I drove for hours listening to random Beth Moore bible study sessions. I would just put my hand in the folder and pull one out. Each one spoke DIRECTLY to my heart and before I got to OKC God was lifting some of my baggage off my shoulders one by one.
I arrived at the Morgan's just in time for dinner!!! Laura made us lasagna and it was sooooo good! Daniel's parents popped in and I enjoyed getting to chat with them for a little bit.
Then we all talked in the living room for awhile. Later I received some more news and it was just the tipping point for me. I started crying and just could not stop. Sweet Laura just held my hand and let me cry on her shoulder and I felt a little better.
The problem was that this last bit of news left me feeling so insecure that I went to bed asking the Lord "what about me, Lord? What does this mean for me?" Selfish, I know but true. I felt forgotten, alone, sad, worried, and most of all fearful. All emotions that come on when we do not have our eyes on the Lord but on ourselves. I was not trusting Him Friday night or really even last week.
I slept the best I had in awhile. I woke up with the entire place to myself while Laura and Daniel were out for a run. Got my coffee and just sat with my face in my bible saying everything that God IS out loud. My head knew God was in control but my heart was trying to deceive me. I told Him again about the feelings and then started claiming scripture over my attitude and fears.
My bible study verse that morning was Romans 12:2.....
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."
The Message says it like this "Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."
It made perfect sense to me.
I was trying to do it all. Be it all to everybody and carry it all on my own. I broke out into a panic the minute I thought i would be left alone with no one. I let my eyes drift off the Lord and instantly began to drown.
Again I just asked for forgiveness for all my doubting and for letting my mind conform to the ways/thoughts of this world. I shared with Laura and Daniel about what I had read and then just prayed God would transform my mind and my thinking to be able to really claim 2 Tim 1.12 "for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day".
Anyway, we had a great Saturday afternoon. Laura treated me to Chickfila for lunch and then we spend the rest of the day on the couch talking and sharing. Daniel went to the OU game which gave us SOOO much time for girl talk.
I love Laura. I live alone and spend a lot of time just talking with the Lord. Which is so wonderful but sometimes it is so good to be able to share your heart face to face with somebody that really knows you. No walls, no pretending. I just enjoy her company and friendship so much.
That evening Laura made us delicious chicken tortilla soup and we watched the game. It was perfect.
Sunday we got up and headed to church! Here are a few pics before we left....
Then it was time to hit the rode. Laura had borrowed The Patriarchs from me so I enjoyed having them to listen to on the ride back. I randomly picked a cd and was on my way.
It was the week Beth talks about Tests and Triumphs. How our tests have our name on them. I just kept thinking "you keep removing things/people out of my life, Lord" and He kept saying "will you still follow me"?
and I just said "Yes, Lord".
and then listed, out loud, my worst fears. Every single one of them. When I was done, I said it again...."Yes, Lord. If all this happens I will still follow you."
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?????????????????????????
It was like I was a new person. The last of the heavy baggage was lifted off my heart. I had lacked joy all week and all of the sudden I was like "oh look at that beautiful blue sky...oh that town is so cute...oh look at that". I was singing praise songs at the top of my lungs and at one point had to open my sunroof so i could get my hand up high! I even stopped in Sanger to chat with my parents for awhile. Got to be with my Dad on the back porch while we ate some ice-cream. I had REALLY given the LORD my burdens/my ugliness so I was able to sit with Dad and listen to him without "worry" going on in the back of my mind. It was FREEDOM PEOPLE!
By the time I got home I was back walking with my eyes dead center of the Lord. He had set up new, clear boundaries for me and I knew this week would be much different. And sure enough...school has been a TOTAL DIFFERENCE this week. I am totally different this week. I have been claiming this verse...
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you".
Phil 4.4-9
So I'm guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Confessing sins of doubt, worry, frustration immediately and putting to practice that My God is Truly in Control and I am not. His way is so much better than mine and I forgot that last week.....this week I know!
Lord, thank you for pulling me out of my pit of pure brattiness. The longer I chose to worry and not confess, the deeper I dug myself into a pit. I thought I was still trucking along, like normal, but I was really a walking bomb just waiting to go off. BUT YOU RESCUED ME!!!!!!!!!!! Before I was too foolish or too stupid you came in and rescued me! You humbled me and reminded me that it's YOUR WORLD not mine. It's YOUR PLANS FOR MY LIFE not mine. It's all for YOUR GLORY not mine. You made me work out all my feelings and you did not let me hide a single one. You cleaned me out and exposed all the false lies/fears I was hanging on to. I was going one way and you picked me up and set my feet on a new path. I praise YOU for not letting me linger long in my ugliness. I praise you that you love me enough to tell me to "STOP IT! Stop trying to carry it all". Thank you for setting me free of that mind set. I am so sorry that I wasted a week of being used by You. Forgive me for all the missed opportunities I did not seize because I was so self consumed. Most of all, Father, thank you for loving me and standing by me even when i am a total brat. Mature me, discipline me so that I can honor you more. Amen
and the other was my cry for help...hahahha
...half kidding but it was a super crazy week. Seemed like every phone call brought heavy burdens, every email made me cry and every student was back-talking/refusing to work/acting crazy in class. I had just HAD IT! I honestly got to the point that i went to the ugly side. You know the side....when you choose not to yield yourself under God's authority and you "react" in ways you normally would not react. yeah, i went there Friday.
I was ugly to my Assistant Principal, on the phone, and took my frustration out on him. That was my low point. I had to apologized profusely minutes later. WHAT WAS I THINKING????? I lost control. I knew then that I better get on my face before the Lord or there was no telling what I would end up doing.
I was so disgusted with myself. During lunch I just cried out for forgiveness. I was trying to carry everything by myself...even though I had just written about casting it that Wed. And had cast it before the Lord......... and then woke up Friday morning and PICKED IT ALL BACK UP. uuugggghhhh. It was all to much and I was in need of a major time out.
So right after school Friday I hopped in the car and headed north to Oklahoma City, to spend the weekend with Laura and Daniel. It was just what I needed. I drove for hours listening to random Beth Moore bible study sessions. I would just put my hand in the folder and pull one out. Each one spoke DIRECTLY to my heart and before I got to OKC God was lifting some of my baggage off my shoulders one by one.
I arrived at the Morgan's just in time for dinner!!! Laura made us lasagna and it was sooooo good! Daniel's parents popped in and I enjoyed getting to chat with them for a little bit.
Then we all talked in the living room for awhile. Later I received some more news and it was just the tipping point for me. I started crying and just could not stop. Sweet Laura just held my hand and let me cry on her shoulder and I felt a little better.
The problem was that this last bit of news left me feeling so insecure that I went to bed asking the Lord "what about me, Lord? What does this mean for me?" Selfish, I know but true. I felt forgotten, alone, sad, worried, and most of all fearful. All emotions that come on when we do not have our eyes on the Lord but on ourselves. I was not trusting Him Friday night or really even last week.
I slept the best I had in awhile. I woke up with the entire place to myself while Laura and Daniel were out for a run. Got my coffee and just sat with my face in my bible saying everything that God IS out loud. My head knew God was in control but my heart was trying to deceive me. I told Him again about the feelings and then started claiming scripture over my attitude and fears.
My bible study verse that morning was Romans 12:2.....
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."
The Message says it like this "Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."
It made perfect sense to me.
I was trying to do it all. Be it all to everybody and carry it all on my own. I broke out into a panic the minute I thought i would be left alone with no one. I let my eyes drift off the Lord and instantly began to drown.
Again I just asked for forgiveness for all my doubting and for letting my mind conform to the ways/thoughts of this world. I shared with Laura and Daniel about what I had read and then just prayed God would transform my mind and my thinking to be able to really claim 2 Tim 1.12 "for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day".
Anyway, we had a great Saturday afternoon. Laura treated me to Chickfila for lunch and then we spend the rest of the day on the couch talking and sharing. Daniel went to the OU game which gave us SOOO much time for girl talk.
I love Laura. I live alone and spend a lot of time just talking with the Lord. Which is so wonderful but sometimes it is so good to be able to share your heart face to face with somebody that really knows you. No walls, no pretending. I just enjoy her company and friendship so much.
That evening Laura made us delicious chicken tortilla soup and we watched the game. It was perfect.
Sunday we got up and headed to church! Here are a few pics before we left....
Then it was time to hit the rode. Laura had borrowed The Patriarchs from me so I enjoyed having them to listen to on the ride back. I randomly picked a cd and was on my way.
It was the week Beth talks about Tests and Triumphs. How our tests have our name on them. I just kept thinking "you keep removing things/people out of my life, Lord" and He kept saying "will you still follow me"?
and I just said "Yes, Lord".
and then listed, out loud, my worst fears. Every single one of them. When I was done, I said it again...."Yes, Lord. If all this happens I will still follow you."
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?????????????????????????
It was like I was a new person. The last of the heavy baggage was lifted off my heart. I had lacked joy all week and all of the sudden I was like "oh look at that beautiful blue sky...oh that town is so cute...oh look at that". I was singing praise songs at the top of my lungs and at one point had to open my sunroof so i could get my hand up high! I even stopped in Sanger to chat with my parents for awhile. Got to be with my Dad on the back porch while we ate some ice-cream. I had REALLY given the LORD my burdens/my ugliness so I was able to sit with Dad and listen to him without "worry" going on in the back of my mind. It was FREEDOM PEOPLE!
By the time I got home I was back walking with my eyes dead center of the Lord. He had set up new, clear boundaries for me and I knew this week would be much different. And sure enough...school has been a TOTAL DIFFERENCE this week. I am totally different this week. I have been claiming this verse...
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you".
Phil 4.4-9
So I'm guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. Confessing sins of doubt, worry, frustration immediately and putting to practice that My God is Truly in Control and I am not. His way is so much better than mine and I forgot that last week.....this week I know!
Lord, thank you for pulling me out of my pit of pure brattiness. The longer I chose to worry and not confess, the deeper I dug myself into a pit. I thought I was still trucking along, like normal, but I was really a walking bomb just waiting to go off. BUT YOU RESCUED ME!!!!!!!!!!! Before I was too foolish or too stupid you came in and rescued me! You humbled me and reminded me that it's YOUR WORLD not mine. It's YOUR PLANS FOR MY LIFE not mine. It's all for YOUR GLORY not mine. You made me work out all my feelings and you did not let me hide a single one. You cleaned me out and exposed all the false lies/fears I was hanging on to. I was going one way and you picked me up and set my feet on a new path. I praise YOU for not letting me linger long in my ugliness. I praise you that you love me enough to tell me to "STOP IT! Stop trying to carry it all". Thank you for setting me free of that mind set. I am so sorry that I wasted a week of being used by You. Forgive me for all the missed opportunities I did not seize because I was so self consumed. Most of all, Father, thank you for loving me and standing by me even when i am a total brat. Mature me, discipline me so that I can honor you more. Amen