Stay...
I would like to preface this post by saying that it is really for my own record to preserve the conversations and learning time I have been experiencing with the Lord. I am ever mindful of your time and grateful that some of you choose to read no matter the length. Thank you. But you must know ahead of time that this post is for me and the things God has been showing me. I don't want to be able to forget a moment of it.
So I am not leaving out a single detail. Not one.
The length may not suit you so know ahead of time that I understand. I normally pray over the post asking God to short where He wants me to say less or add where He wants me to say more. Not today although I am sure i could sum it all up in one sentence but I am afraid my brain would explode trying! ha! Years or months from now when I am in a trial or dealing with doubt...I will need this post to remind myself that "It is better to TRUST in the LORD than to put my confidence in man". Ps 118.8
Saturday, June 19, I had made up my mind that I would go back to the bible church that I had visited a few times....the one with the really old singles class. But by Sat night I was looking at visiting a church that is way off the map for me. To be honest I thought "hey, i am so tired of visiting churches in this small town. I'll go to a random church because at least I might have a good story to tell". What?
Total honest feelings. I mean, the sunday before I had walked into a church and almost fell off my pew when I saw that the preacher was a woman. Not judging just stating the facts. That was WAY out of my comfort zone but I rolled with it. At the end it proved what I already knew....that church was not for me....but it sure did give me a funny story to share.
Ok so to Sunday morning....set the alarm for 7.30 but woke up not wanting to go to church at all. I called my dad to wish him a happy father's day still determined that I would get off the phone and fall back to sleep.
Somewhere in our conversation I stated that I would be going to the bible church because the preacher was excellent and I no longer cared about sunday school class being old. I was willing to take the ss class as long as I was getting fed in big church.
Because before I was not getting fed in either. So one was better than none.
By the time I got off the phone I had 40 min to get ready and be there hahaha. That alone was a miracle because I like to take my time in the mornings...especially on a sunday. Showered, put some make-up on super fast, dried hair and put it in a pony tail and ran out the door.
My heart was just not in it. Walked into the service and sat down. Praise and Worship time began and all of the sudden I found myself just flat out in the presence of the Lord. It had been awhile since I had been to a church that I was able to really worship. (side note-nothing bores me more than a church so serious while singing to the Lord. I hate the mad faces! uggghh get some joy people) Anyway, doesn't mean the other churches were bad it just means that I wasn't busy checking things out as a first time visitor, reading over the info.....I had been here before and this time I had arrived empty.
By the time we started sing "Before the throne of God above, I have a strong, a perfect plea. A great High Priest whose name is Love, Who ever lives and pleads for me. My name is graven on His hands, My name is written on His heart. I know that while in heaven He stands, No tongue can bid me thence depart,No tongue can bid me thence depart"............I was A MESS. So unlike me to just have nothing to offer. So unlike me to wake up that way. I just sang as loud as I could, giving Him all that I had "Because the sinless Savior died, My sinful soul is counted free."
We set down I was more clear headed and had yielded to the Holy Spirit to just speak something new to me. I was just desperate for a Word.
For those of you that have read my blog for a long time...you will know that I love the Old Testament. I do. It is crazy fun and hard to read and dramatic and sad and wild and I love it.
The pastor began preaching on Genesis and gave a little recap from the week before. He talked about Abraham and how God said to Abram "leave your country" and go. Leave everything you know and obey me. Then he began to talk about Isaac and how there was a famine in the land and it was custom for them to go to Egypt because there was food there. But God told Isaac to stay. To stay in a land that had no food. Nothing to offer.
These stories have a MASSIVE amount of things going on in them but I will just share what this is speaking to my heart. Lets rewind.................. God called me to Waxahachie. He did. Amy brought me here one saturday in November for lunch and shopping and I called my parents while in my favorite antique shop and said "yall have to move here".
8 months later I was sitting a desk signing the papers for my first home. During that time I had ZERO NEED to move out of the area I was living in. I was at a church with so many of my closest friends, with church leaders that had invested in me, youth that I was teaching in my own art class,and I had a REAL CHURCH FAMILY! I could walk through those doors and feel at home. But I just kept feeling this heart pull towards a town that I KNEW NO ONE. During those hard days (much like now.. with trying to listen for God's instructions) I would make the drive from DeSoto to Waxahachie listening to one cd.
over and over.
The Patriarchs....Praise and worship music arranged by Travis Cottrell to accompany the Patriarchs Bible study.
To this day it is one of my very favorite BM bible studies. The cd of songs rocks my world.Even 3 years late. I hate that so many don't even know about them. The very first song says "I will leave everything behind, I will follow you, with all of my life. For you, O Lord, my one desire...I will leave everything behind"......I would sing that song at the top of my lungs every time I headed towards Waxahachie. Feelings of great excitement of what was to come and also some hesitation that I was leaving all my comfort zones.
That summer of 2008 God said "Go" and I went because He was my one desire!
Two years later I spent my spring of 2010 in deep prayer over desires forming in my heart of things that I was not seeking out. Receiving new directions and ideas in different areas that were foreign to me. Having my mind opened up and my borders stretched. You know the story...you watched the videos. I thought surely He was calling me to "Go". I did not hesitated this time and said "HERE AM I, SEND ME". I continued to pray and seek the Word for wisdom, my heart started preparing for a move, I prepared my home and then......nothing.
By this past weekend I knew it just wasn't going to happen now. Too far into the summer with getting a house sold and moving....two wedding coming up and finding a job. I excepted the fact that the "Go" may not be for now. But I remain willing should He say move.
Well, this preacher begins speaking about Isaac and he said boldly "STAY...........STAY. I told your father to GO but you are to STAY. I know it looks as though there is nothing for you here. Do not fear I will provide". I was sitting towards the back and he looked right at me with his finger pointed and said "STAY".
I thought my heart was going to pass out right then and there. He went on to talk about Isaac acting all crazy about Rebekah being his sister and that whole mess. He stated that in tough times we have to hang on to God's promises. "I will not leave you nor forsake you". In tough times we have to be careful to NOT BECOME DESPERATE or TEMPTED TO LEAVE or SET ASIDE OUR CONVICTIONS! In tough times we are often tempted to take short cuts out of our desperate need for control.
This cut me to my soul. I love church and I love the fellowship of a church family and yet that morning I could have missed and not even cared. I was so desperate for a church family that it became a game to me to go seek out the craziest churches because maybe they would have young people. I mean seriously....i was looking more for a good story to tell because I had already lost hope that there was a church for me here. Desperate, yes that was me.
One of the last statements he mentioned was that tough times can bring us to shameful rebukes...........................and that is where I currently am. I will explain more in a minute.
Back to the service..............We all stood and began singing a song that I had never heard before. Nothing new ha. Desert Song by Hillsong...... I could hardly contain my tears and had to sit down so that I could write out the words.....
"This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here"
I felt like that song was written just for me ha! The service was over and I gathered my stuff. I was not going to sunday school and just wanted to get home because I was needing to confess some sin issues that were blinding me from the truth. I left the sanctuary, took a left down the hall, took another left down another hall and got about 10 yards from the door when I heard someone running behind me. I kept walking and then my right shoulder was pulled back. I turned around in shock to see the pastor breathing hard, hands of knees, and looking straight at me.
him- "I am running after you."
me- blank stare
me- blank stare
him- "I knew I needed to get you before you left. I have seen you here. What is your name?"
me- blank stare
him- not going to break eye contact stare
me- "Caroline, my name is Caroline"
We proceeded to talk for about 15 minutes. In the back of my mind I thinking "how in the heck did he even see me. I sit towards the back and people are around me."
He began asking me questions and I began to ask him questions. I told him that I was looking for a church with some people my age.
He did not hesitate to say "we have people your age here".
me- "ok, well i went to the singles class and they were all 50 and older".
him- "Doesn't matter that your single. Big deal. Find a class and LEARN SOMETHING. Single not single....I don't care what you are...find a class, learn, grow and serve".
me ...shocked at his boldness but admired it all at the same time...i then just let my guard down- "You don't understand, I need friends! I need people my age to be friends with."
him- "we have young people here. every class is divided up by what you what to learn. The classes have all ages and switch periodically when the studies are done". He then got like inches from my face and said "Let God do what He does best....you learn and serve in the meantime. He will provide."
" He will provide", the very words God had told Isaac when He told him to stay in Gerar.
Truth......he had spoken truth to me. I went into the first class near me and sat down. Didn't care who was in there but opened my bible and was ready to learn SOMETHING! I left that church full of HOPE for the first time in about 3 months. Pure Hope! I felt like myself again. It never stops amazing me that God's Word means what it says. That may sound crazy but it says that "the TRUTH will set us FREE". It does, time and time again! Praise God!
Just another divine appointment in my life. So you say..."what does this super long story have to do with you now"......well a lot of prayers prayed have been answered in numerous ways.
1. I have been told to "Stay" ...right where I am. And like Isaac the "stay" location looks as though it is a place of famine. That there is currently nothing to offer. But if you read on in Gen 26 you see that Isaac began to plant the crops and God blessed them right in the very place that seemed hopeless. Obedience is big for me and God will provide!
2. the planting leads me to my second thing........I have been told to stay and ESTABLISH MYSELF.
This is probably the hardest prayer request answer to except. I wanted whatever the Lord wanted for me but He continued to prepare my heart for change. I just didn't realize that it would only be a change of churches.
3. For me, and my background, it is easier to move. To leave and start over. Not in an unhealthy "i leave when things get hard" kind of way. Not at all. I am just more open to move. I love adventure. In fact, I love the challenge of it. Moving has been apart of my entire life and I am just not afraid of it. To be completely honest, staying feels harder for me. I have been here two years and my heart loves the town but I just never felt like it was going to be "forever" here. It still may not be, but God wants me to not just own a home here but become established now. Let the roots grow deep. This is hard for me to grasp.
4. The Lord showed me how foolish I had become. While in the midst of my trials involving change I began to think outside the box. Which was good because I would NOT have ended up at the church that I did. On the down side I became very selfish in wanting a church or job or town that worked best for me. I was leaving my current church because I needed people my age and yet at the end of this crazy journey He led me to a church that might not have that many young people either but like the pastor said..." doesn't matter that your single...find a class and learn something...serve." He was right. I had kinda given up and started believing that if the church did not already have young people there then I couldn't go. I had become selfish and did not believe. God will bring the friends and the people I need in my life .......HE WILL....until then I need learn to serve others within a church. ..i need to serve more. It is one of the things that is missing in my walk.
5. I had my eyes opened to an ugly side of myself that I new existed but never really thought of it as sin. These past few months the Lord has been really cutting away my ability to keep others at a distance. I hope I can even explain this clearly. Hard for some of you to believe since you read my blog but I sometimes share more on here than I do with the people around me. Now i am always an open book. But sometimes people just don't ask and I just don't share. Terrible attitude to have! Even at First Baptist...for the past two years I would go, sing, go to events, host some events but I just never felt the need to really get to know people. Naturally, I am not a big group of friends kind of girl. I just need a few that I can trust and be myself with.
Anyway, for some reason I just kept them at a distance.
But God has given me this second opportunity and I am currently praying
"Lord teach me to not be so closed off to those around me". Because I want to be able to invest in those within my church and I want to be able to let them invest in me. It is easier to just not try. Point blank. It is easier to just go and come home. But that isn't really who I am. I want a home church that I love and truly love the people. I also want to serve the Lord in the areas of the church that He wants me to serve in NOT the areas that others think i need to serve in. Nevertheless, I have asked for forgiveness for my attitude and I know that He is currently working out that area of my life and i am so grateful.
6. Lastly, I have asked for forgiveness where I became self consumed by my current state. Of course, we are all in different stages of our lives. The beauty of being a believer in Christ is that we don't just have to sit there and hate where we are. He allows us to work things out till we can see clearly that His hand is on it or us. I am tired of writing about being single. I told Father that I was getting on my own nerves. This prayer started last week and within a day He was driving me to the book of Ezekiel and my head hasn't left that study yet! I have a deep passion for so many other things that being single. I told Him that I am tired of it being my focus. I have also asked Him to open my mind to challenging ideas to study that show of His greatness and power.
so that is the update on my life. this is where I currently am.
I WANT TO BE USED BY HIM!
I WANT HIS FRAGRANCE ON ME SO THAT THOSE THAT I COME IN CONTACT WITH KNOW THAT I HAVE THE JOY OF THE LORD!
HE SAID "STAY" SO I WILL AND I PRAY HE USES IT FOR HIS OWN GLORY!
Father, what a fool I had become. I took your instructions about finding a new church and made it go according to my own terms. Why do I feel the need to control? I hate PRIDE! Oh forgive me Lord. I know that I am not smart enough or wise enough to lead. I mean, I don't even like leading! I am crazy! You are the leader of my life. Whether I go or stay is in your hands. Let me really know that in the deepest part of me. It may look and feel like the desert here but you have not forgotten me. From where you sit you can see what is coming! I put my trust in that! You have numbered my days! NOT ok with just living a self pleasing life. It leaves me empty and without hope. I turn my eyes upon you and ask that you busy my hands in service and ministry for your glory! I will do the hard work Lord. Tell me and I will obey. "I will bring praise, I will bring praise. No weapon forged against shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare. God is my victory and He is here" I just want you. So tired of me...I just want you.
So I am not leaving out a single detail. Not one.
The length may not suit you so know ahead of time that I understand. I normally pray over the post asking God to short where He wants me to say less or add where He wants me to say more. Not today although I am sure i could sum it all up in one sentence but I am afraid my brain would explode trying! ha! Years or months from now when I am in a trial or dealing with doubt...I will need this post to remind myself that "It is better to TRUST in the LORD than to put my confidence in man". Ps 118.8
Saturday, June 19, I had made up my mind that I would go back to the bible church that I had visited a few times....the one with the really old singles class. But by Sat night I was looking at visiting a church that is way off the map for me. To be honest I thought "hey, i am so tired of visiting churches in this small town. I'll go to a random church because at least I might have a good story to tell". What?
Total honest feelings. I mean, the sunday before I had walked into a church and almost fell off my pew when I saw that the preacher was a woman. Not judging just stating the facts. That was WAY out of my comfort zone but I rolled with it. At the end it proved what I already knew....that church was not for me....but it sure did give me a funny story to share.
Ok so to Sunday morning....set the alarm for 7.30 but woke up not wanting to go to church at all. I called my dad to wish him a happy father's day still determined that I would get off the phone and fall back to sleep.
Somewhere in our conversation I stated that I would be going to the bible church because the preacher was excellent and I no longer cared about sunday school class being old. I was willing to take the ss class as long as I was getting fed in big church.
Because before I was not getting fed in either. So one was better than none.
By the time I got off the phone I had 40 min to get ready and be there hahaha. That alone was a miracle because I like to take my time in the mornings...especially on a sunday. Showered, put some make-up on super fast, dried hair and put it in a pony tail and ran out the door.
My heart was just not in it. Walked into the service and sat down. Praise and Worship time began and all of the sudden I found myself just flat out in the presence of the Lord. It had been awhile since I had been to a church that I was able to really worship. (side note-nothing bores me more than a church so serious while singing to the Lord. I hate the mad faces! uggghh get some joy people) Anyway, doesn't mean the other churches were bad it just means that I wasn't busy checking things out as a first time visitor, reading over the info.....I had been here before and this time I had arrived empty.
By the time we started sing "Before the throne of God above, I have a strong, a perfect plea. A great High Priest whose name is Love, Who ever lives and pleads for me. My name is graven on His hands, My name is written on His heart. I know that while in heaven He stands, No tongue can bid me thence depart,No tongue can bid me thence depart"............I was A MESS. So unlike me to just have nothing to offer. So unlike me to wake up that way. I just sang as loud as I could, giving Him all that I had "Because the sinless Savior died, My sinful soul is counted free."
We set down I was more clear headed and had yielded to the Holy Spirit to just speak something new to me. I was just desperate for a Word.
For those of you that have read my blog for a long time...you will know that I love the Old Testament. I do. It is crazy fun and hard to read and dramatic and sad and wild and I love it.
The pastor began preaching on Genesis and gave a little recap from the week before. He talked about Abraham and how God said to Abram "leave your country" and go. Leave everything you know and obey me. Then he began to talk about Isaac and how there was a famine in the land and it was custom for them to go to Egypt because there was food there. But God told Isaac to stay. To stay in a land that had no food. Nothing to offer.
These stories have a MASSIVE amount of things going on in them but I will just share what this is speaking to my heart. Lets rewind.................. God called me to Waxahachie. He did. Amy brought me here one saturday in November for lunch and shopping and I called my parents while in my favorite antique shop and said "yall have to move here".
8 months later I was sitting a desk signing the papers for my first home. During that time I had ZERO NEED to move out of the area I was living in. I was at a church with so many of my closest friends, with church leaders that had invested in me, youth that I was teaching in my own art class,and I had a REAL CHURCH FAMILY! I could walk through those doors and feel at home. But I just kept feeling this heart pull towards a town that I KNEW NO ONE. During those hard days (much like now.. with trying to listen for God's instructions) I would make the drive from DeSoto to Waxahachie listening to one cd.
over and over.
The Patriarchs....Praise and worship music arranged by Travis Cottrell to accompany the Patriarchs Bible study.
To this day it is one of my very favorite BM bible studies. The cd of songs rocks my world.Even 3 years late. I hate that so many don't even know about them. The very first song says "I will leave everything behind, I will follow you, with all of my life. For you, O Lord, my one desire...I will leave everything behind"......I would sing that song at the top of my lungs every time I headed towards Waxahachie. Feelings of great excitement of what was to come and also some hesitation that I was leaving all my comfort zones.
That summer of 2008 God said "Go" and I went because He was my one desire!
Two years later I spent my spring of 2010 in deep prayer over desires forming in my heart of things that I was not seeking out. Receiving new directions and ideas in different areas that were foreign to me. Having my mind opened up and my borders stretched. You know the story...you watched the videos. I thought surely He was calling me to "Go". I did not hesitated this time and said "HERE AM I, SEND ME". I continued to pray and seek the Word for wisdom, my heart started preparing for a move, I prepared my home and then......nothing.
By this past weekend I knew it just wasn't going to happen now. Too far into the summer with getting a house sold and moving....two wedding coming up and finding a job. I excepted the fact that the "Go" may not be for now. But I remain willing should He say move.
Well, this preacher begins speaking about Isaac and he said boldly "STAY...........STAY. I told your father to GO but you are to STAY. I know it looks as though there is nothing for you here. Do not fear I will provide". I was sitting towards the back and he looked right at me with his finger pointed and said "STAY".
I thought my heart was going to pass out right then and there. He went on to talk about Isaac acting all crazy about Rebekah being his sister and that whole mess. He stated that in tough times we have to hang on to God's promises. "I will not leave you nor forsake you". In tough times we have to be careful to NOT BECOME DESPERATE or TEMPTED TO LEAVE or SET ASIDE OUR CONVICTIONS! In tough times we are often tempted to take short cuts out of our desperate need for control.
This cut me to my soul. I love church and I love the fellowship of a church family and yet that morning I could have missed and not even cared. I was so desperate for a church family that it became a game to me to go seek out the craziest churches because maybe they would have young people. I mean seriously....i was looking more for a good story to tell because I had already lost hope that there was a church for me here. Desperate, yes that was me.
One of the last statements he mentioned was that tough times can bring us to shameful rebukes...........................and that is where I currently am. I will explain more in a minute.
Back to the service..............We all stood and began singing a song that I had never heard before. Nothing new ha. Desert Song by Hillsong...... I could hardly contain my tears and had to sit down so that I could write out the words.....
"This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here"
I felt like that song was written just for me ha! The service was over and I gathered my stuff. I was not going to sunday school and just wanted to get home because I was needing to confess some sin issues that were blinding me from the truth. I left the sanctuary, took a left down the hall, took another left down another hall and got about 10 yards from the door when I heard someone running behind me. I kept walking and then my right shoulder was pulled back. I turned around in shock to see the pastor breathing hard, hands of knees, and looking straight at me.
him- "I am running after you."
me- blank stare
me- blank stare
him- "I knew I needed to get you before you left. I have seen you here. What is your name?"
me- blank stare
him- not going to break eye contact stare
me- "Caroline, my name is Caroline"
We proceeded to talk for about 15 minutes. In the back of my mind I thinking "how in the heck did he even see me. I sit towards the back and people are around me."
He began asking me questions and I began to ask him questions. I told him that I was looking for a church with some people my age.
He did not hesitate to say "we have people your age here".
me- "ok, well i went to the singles class and they were all 50 and older".
him- "Doesn't matter that your single. Big deal. Find a class and LEARN SOMETHING. Single not single....I don't care what you are...find a class, learn, grow and serve".
me ...shocked at his boldness but admired it all at the same time...i then just let my guard down- "You don't understand, I need friends! I need people my age to be friends with."
him- "we have young people here. every class is divided up by what you what to learn. The classes have all ages and switch periodically when the studies are done". He then got like inches from my face and said "Let God do what He does best....you learn and serve in the meantime. He will provide."
" He will provide", the very words God had told Isaac when He told him to stay in Gerar.
Truth......he had spoken truth to me. I went into the first class near me and sat down. Didn't care who was in there but opened my bible and was ready to learn SOMETHING! I left that church full of HOPE for the first time in about 3 months. Pure Hope! I felt like myself again. It never stops amazing me that God's Word means what it says. That may sound crazy but it says that "the TRUTH will set us FREE". It does, time and time again! Praise God!
Just another divine appointment in my life. So you say..."what does this super long story have to do with you now"......well a lot of prayers prayed have been answered in numerous ways.
1. I have been told to "Stay" ...right where I am. And like Isaac the "stay" location looks as though it is a place of famine. That there is currently nothing to offer. But if you read on in Gen 26 you see that Isaac began to plant the crops and God blessed them right in the very place that seemed hopeless. Obedience is big for me and God will provide!
2. the planting leads me to my second thing........I have been told to stay and ESTABLISH MYSELF.
This is probably the hardest prayer request answer to except. I wanted whatever the Lord wanted for me but He continued to prepare my heart for change. I just didn't realize that it would only be a change of churches.
3. For me, and my background, it is easier to move. To leave and start over. Not in an unhealthy "i leave when things get hard" kind of way. Not at all. I am just more open to move. I love adventure. In fact, I love the challenge of it. Moving has been apart of my entire life and I am just not afraid of it. To be completely honest, staying feels harder for me. I have been here two years and my heart loves the town but I just never felt like it was going to be "forever" here. It still may not be, but God wants me to not just own a home here but become established now. Let the roots grow deep. This is hard for me to grasp.
4. The Lord showed me how foolish I had become. While in the midst of my trials involving change I began to think outside the box. Which was good because I would NOT have ended up at the church that I did. On the down side I became very selfish in wanting a church or job or town that worked best for me. I was leaving my current church because I needed people my age and yet at the end of this crazy journey He led me to a church that might not have that many young people either but like the pastor said..." doesn't matter that your single...find a class and learn something...serve." He was right. I had kinda given up and started believing that if the church did not already have young people there then I couldn't go. I had become selfish and did not believe. God will bring the friends and the people I need in my life .......HE WILL....until then I need learn to serve others within a church. ..i need to serve more. It is one of the things that is missing in my walk.
5. I had my eyes opened to an ugly side of myself that I new existed but never really thought of it as sin. These past few months the Lord has been really cutting away my ability to keep others at a distance. I hope I can even explain this clearly. Hard for some of you to believe since you read my blog but I sometimes share more on here than I do with the people around me. Now i am always an open book. But sometimes people just don't ask and I just don't share. Terrible attitude to have! Even at First Baptist...for the past two years I would go, sing, go to events, host some events but I just never felt the need to really get to know people. Naturally, I am not a big group of friends kind of girl. I just need a few that I can trust and be myself with.
Anyway, for some reason I just kept them at a distance.
But God has given me this second opportunity and I am currently praying
"Lord teach me to not be so closed off to those around me". Because I want to be able to invest in those within my church and I want to be able to let them invest in me. It is easier to just not try. Point blank. It is easier to just go and come home. But that isn't really who I am. I want a home church that I love and truly love the people. I also want to serve the Lord in the areas of the church that He wants me to serve in NOT the areas that others think i need to serve in. Nevertheless, I have asked for forgiveness for my attitude and I know that He is currently working out that area of my life and i am so grateful.
6. Lastly, I have asked for forgiveness where I became self consumed by my current state. Of course, we are all in different stages of our lives. The beauty of being a believer in Christ is that we don't just have to sit there and hate where we are. He allows us to work things out till we can see clearly that His hand is on it or us. I am tired of writing about being single. I told Father that I was getting on my own nerves. This prayer started last week and within a day He was driving me to the book of Ezekiel and my head hasn't left that study yet! I have a deep passion for so many other things that being single. I told Him that I am tired of it being my focus. I have also asked Him to open my mind to challenging ideas to study that show of His greatness and power.
so that is the update on my life. this is where I currently am.
I WANT TO BE USED BY HIM!
I WANT HIS FRAGRANCE ON ME SO THAT THOSE THAT I COME IN CONTACT WITH KNOW THAT I HAVE THE JOY OF THE LORD!
HE SAID "STAY" SO I WILL AND I PRAY HE USES IT FOR HIS OWN GLORY!
Father, what a fool I had become. I took your instructions about finding a new church and made it go according to my own terms. Why do I feel the need to control? I hate PRIDE! Oh forgive me Lord. I know that I am not smart enough or wise enough to lead. I mean, I don't even like leading! I am crazy! You are the leader of my life. Whether I go or stay is in your hands. Let me really know that in the deepest part of me. It may look and feel like the desert here but you have not forgotten me. From where you sit you can see what is coming! I put my trust in that! You have numbered my days! NOT ok with just living a self pleasing life. It leaves me empty and without hope. I turn my eyes upon you and ask that you busy my hands in service and ministry for your glory! I will do the hard work Lord. Tell me and I will obey. "I will bring praise, I will bring praise. No weapon forged against shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare. God is my victory and He is here" I just want you. So tired of me...I just want you.