just where I am.......
I am just in battle mode lately. I belong to God. That is all you need to know. He is enough and I depend on Him.
Man, have I had a crazy last few days. Speaking of satan, I have been at battle with him as well as my own flesh. My battles with my flesh more than with him. But I am not in a bubble about evil, haven't been for a long time. I KNOW the power of prayer over evil. I have seen it work with students and parents, against strangers and enemies. Only God can change them, move them away, or shut their mouth. Only God.
But my flesh as been trying to deceive me lately. Jeremiah 17:19 says "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" I got caught up in my deceitful heart Monday night as a result of a very full plate that I was trying to carry.
This isn't a "poor me, i'm single" post but I have a lot of responsibility, with my unknown future, that is usually shared in a household. Major job choices, relocation choices, get the house ready, get the yard ready, take care of the car, figure out retirement, have a calling but need to pay bills...how does that work, clean the house, wash clothes, grocery shop, fix the lawnmower, find another church, make friends, need friends, plan a bridal shower, be a friend, pray over my massive list of people, spend time in the word, clean out the closets, organize, fold laundry, save money, email people back, blog, listen to God, chat on twitter, pray against crazy people, oh their back- pray against crazy people again, look online for new home, look online for new job, fertilize yard, public school/private school, teach or not to teach, church that is more contemporary than I like, church that is WAY traditional and no one my age, call parents about terrible classroom behavior, talk all day long, lose voice completely for days, sick, be in control of a classroom all day long, deal with 160 students with MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES all day long, can't stop coughing, work out, cook.....................
Ok so take all that I just listed and throw it at me at once....while I'm alone.
Listen friends, I went to a 4 pm movie friday afternoon because there just wasn't anyone currently around that I could go with. No big deal, I wanted to see a movie so I went. No insecurity flaring up, no loneliness on the horizon. I enjoyed it very much! Woke up Sat morning sing "the longer I serve Him the sweeter He grows". It was my first thoughts of the morning followed but "I turn 29 in 3 months". Again, I was excited about my future and totally fine.
But I was working so hard, in every area, to be ready for whatever the Lord would say that I somehow just moved my eyes to the right. Just enough to the right to cause mass chaos. As the list began to build I took it upon myself, as if it was a yoke of slavery, and instead of continuing to present that list to God I just kept letting it sit on me. And the heavier it got. I had already been struggling with the understanding of how much of a step of faith He was requiring and in what area. I knew the who and the why but not the what, when and where. So I tried to balance it all.... alone.
And then I exploded......so tired of not being married, so tired of dealing with rude and ugly kids, having to make the hard decisions alone, eating alone, yard work alone, going to church alone, spending the evenings alone, no one my age at church, no one my age at school, i need a hug, all my friends live far, not a single girl my age in my town I could go the the dang movie with, hearing "you just need to do this caroline, you just need to go there".............................BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Oh, where had I allowed my sinful flesh to lead me? Why was I choosing to not trust God?
I called my Mom. Who then allowed me to just speak out all my fears, anger, why's, and frustration. She cried with me. She encouraged me and then I went to my heavenly Father because I know that He really gets me.
While I was one the floor praying, God brought these questions to my heart. The very questions He had given me that friday before to give to an anxious friend......
do you trust God?
Do you trust Him to take care of you?
Are you in control?
Does your worry result in you taking control of the situation?
Do you believe that God is really in control?
And I knew that I really did trust Him. I asked for forgiveness for not submitting to Him everyday the list that just kept building. I was trying to take it all on as if my own strength was enough. But just because Father opens doors or gives us new direction or even a new assignment doesn't mean we are then on our own.....we still have to turn and give it back to Him. We still have to do in His Name and with His Strength.
Several students got together and chose a new verse for my wall. I have had "Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory because of your love and faithfulness" up for years now. But because we have been repainting the walls I had to paint over it. Funny thing is that I have gone over it so much that we can still read it under to layers of black paint! I love that. Just like when scripture is written on our hearts. Sometimes we are in the depth of sin but His truth is still there..the holy spirit still at work. Anyway, back what I was saying. The scripture that they brought to me was Isaiah 26:8 "YES LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we WAIT FOR YOU. Your name and renown are the desires of our hearts". WOW, I thought. My students brought this to me. I never point blank say "hey class, look at my scripture on the wall".......it has just always been there and when it wasn't they brought me one. Praise God.
Well that portion of scripture is what came to mind when I was in bed that crazy monday night. I told the Lord that no husband, child, job, or location can fill me. I said that over and over till my heart truly believed it! Only He can and I could be just as lonely even if I did have all those things. It's about trusting God above all.
I woke up a lot that night. Every time my mind said Isaiah 26:8. Even that morning it was the my first thought..."yes Lord, walking in the way of your laws, I WAIT FOR YOU..."
I went to work tues morning still not feeling like myself. Worked myself to death painting my room and by 7th I was tired. Just as I was getting my 7th period all settle, someone knocked on my door.......
My door man (a male student) did his job by getting up and seeing who was at the door. I looked up and I could see my mom's hair do hahahhahah. I said "is that my mom?"
and it sure was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I started crying hahahhha! No one ever surprises me at work!! OH IT JUST MADE MY YEAR!!!!!! Here are some pics she took...a few students and me writing out a pass for a student....you can see the black walls in the background. they will have art on them later with white borders.
Here we are together!!!!! I was so happy!
I had to point out that mom captured my "rules" that are on the windows........No belt, no id, no lanyard, no tucked shirt= NO ART! hahahha i am so bossy.
Mom said she was here to take me to dinner, hang out, and spend the night. It was the very thing I needed the day after I had lost it. I needed to be loved on and my wonderful mom came to do it. And she didn't have to, you know. I wasn't even thinking she would. What a joy it was!
we drove around my cute town and then mom took me to Logans Roadhouse for steak!!!! WE LOVE STEAK
Before we went to eat mom shared with me about what the Lord has showed her that morning. The main thing that struck me and continues to kinda slap me in the face is "BE STILL". Be still. It is in the craziness that I turned my eyes off of Him. It is ok for me to be still before Him when there is so much to do around me. IT IS OK! In fact it is more than ok, He is commanding me to be still and know that He is God. That my mile long list of "to do's" belongs to HIM. I am not in control but He is. HE will get them done when He wants them done!
I keep repeating what He said to me in one of my videos...I am not a day behind in his plan. I am not a day behind. It isn't my plan that I am on but His. It is HIS plan for me and I am NOT even a day behind.
I would be lying if I said I was ok. Between evil this week and fighting my own sinful flesh, I am just worn out. But the beauty of the battle is always from the strength He gives. Fighting the loser feelings or fighting evil always makes me draw closer to God. I do not run from Him but I run to Him. Having Him fight through me is way more fun then me fighting alone. I love that hymn by Sandi Patti "There is strength in the Name of the Lord, there is power in the Name of the Lord, there is hope in the Name of the Lord.....BLESSED IS HE WHO COMES IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!"
I am claiming that promise this very night. Because the truth is, I still have a lot on my plate. There are still major decision that need to be made, there is still a time table for them to happen. I am still standing in the dark and I am still feeling totally uncomfortable. But the difference is that God has now reminded me that I am coming and going in the Name of the Lord. And in His Name I receive strength, power, and hope! He is all that I need.
My mind and thoughts are under your control, Father. I can't do it all. You have not called me to do it all. But the truth is that this is where you currently want me. Right here. Lead me, show me, discipline me, and teach me how to allow you to take captive my every thought. I need you. Thank you for the grace you pour out over my life. Forgive me for my lack of faith and trust. I know you are in control and I so desperately need you. amen
Man, have I had a crazy last few days. Speaking of satan, I have been at battle with him as well as my own flesh. My battles with my flesh more than with him. But I am not in a bubble about evil, haven't been for a long time. I KNOW the power of prayer over evil. I have seen it work with students and parents, against strangers and enemies. Only God can change them, move them away, or shut their mouth. Only God.
But my flesh as been trying to deceive me lately. Jeremiah 17:19 says "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" I got caught up in my deceitful heart Monday night as a result of a very full plate that I was trying to carry.
This isn't a "poor me, i'm single" post but I have a lot of responsibility, with my unknown future, that is usually shared in a household. Major job choices, relocation choices, get the house ready, get the yard ready, take care of the car, figure out retirement, have a calling but need to pay bills...how does that work, clean the house, wash clothes, grocery shop, fix the lawnmower, find another church, make friends, need friends, plan a bridal shower, be a friend, pray over my massive list of people, spend time in the word, clean out the closets, organize, fold laundry, save money, email people back, blog, listen to God, chat on twitter, pray against crazy people, oh their back- pray against crazy people again, look online for new home, look online for new job, fertilize yard, public school/private school, teach or not to teach, church that is more contemporary than I like, church that is WAY traditional and no one my age, call parents about terrible classroom behavior, talk all day long, lose voice completely for days, sick, be in control of a classroom all day long, deal with 160 students with MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES all day long, can't stop coughing, work out, cook.....................
Ok so take all that I just listed and throw it at me at once....while I'm alone.
Listen friends, I went to a 4 pm movie friday afternoon because there just wasn't anyone currently around that I could go with. No big deal, I wanted to see a movie so I went. No insecurity flaring up, no loneliness on the horizon. I enjoyed it very much! Woke up Sat morning sing "the longer I serve Him the sweeter He grows". It was my first thoughts of the morning followed but "I turn 29 in 3 months". Again, I was excited about my future and totally fine.
But I was working so hard, in every area, to be ready for whatever the Lord would say that I somehow just moved my eyes to the right. Just enough to the right to cause mass chaos. As the list began to build I took it upon myself, as if it was a yoke of slavery, and instead of continuing to present that list to God I just kept letting it sit on me. And the heavier it got. I had already been struggling with the understanding of how much of a step of faith He was requiring and in what area. I knew the who and the why but not the what, when and where. So I tried to balance it all.... alone.
And then I exploded......so tired of not being married, so tired of dealing with rude and ugly kids, having to make the hard decisions alone, eating alone, yard work alone, going to church alone, spending the evenings alone, no one my age at church, no one my age at school, i need a hug, all my friends live far, not a single girl my age in my town I could go the the dang movie with, hearing "you just need to do this caroline, you just need to go there".............................BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Oh, where had I allowed my sinful flesh to lead me? Why was I choosing to not trust God?
I called my Mom. Who then allowed me to just speak out all my fears, anger, why's, and frustration. She cried with me. She encouraged me and then I went to my heavenly Father because I know that He really gets me.
While I was one the floor praying, God brought these questions to my heart. The very questions He had given me that friday before to give to an anxious friend......
do you trust God?
Do you trust Him to take care of you?
Are you in control?
Does your worry result in you taking control of the situation?
Do you believe that God is really in control?
And I knew that I really did trust Him. I asked for forgiveness for not submitting to Him everyday the list that just kept building. I was trying to take it all on as if my own strength was enough. But just because Father opens doors or gives us new direction or even a new assignment doesn't mean we are then on our own.....we still have to turn and give it back to Him. We still have to do in His Name and with His Strength.
Several students got together and chose a new verse for my wall. I have had "Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory because of your love and faithfulness" up for years now. But because we have been repainting the walls I had to paint over it. Funny thing is that I have gone over it so much that we can still read it under to layers of black paint! I love that. Just like when scripture is written on our hearts. Sometimes we are in the depth of sin but His truth is still there..the holy spirit still at work. Anyway, back what I was saying. The scripture that they brought to me was Isaiah 26:8 "YES LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we WAIT FOR YOU. Your name and renown are the desires of our hearts". WOW, I thought. My students brought this to me. I never point blank say "hey class, look at my scripture on the wall".......it has just always been there and when it wasn't they brought me one. Praise God.
Well that portion of scripture is what came to mind when I was in bed that crazy monday night. I told the Lord that no husband, child, job, or location can fill me. I said that over and over till my heart truly believed it! Only He can and I could be just as lonely even if I did have all those things. It's about trusting God above all.
I woke up a lot that night. Every time my mind said Isaiah 26:8. Even that morning it was the my first thought..."yes Lord, walking in the way of your laws, I WAIT FOR YOU..."
I went to work tues morning still not feeling like myself. Worked myself to death painting my room and by 7th I was tired. Just as I was getting my 7th period all settle, someone knocked on my door.......
My door man (a male student) did his job by getting up and seeing who was at the door. I looked up and I could see my mom's hair do hahahhahah. I said "is that my mom?"
and it sure was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I started crying hahahhha! No one ever surprises me at work!! OH IT JUST MADE MY YEAR!!!!!! Here are some pics she took...a few students and me writing out a pass for a student....you can see the black walls in the background. they will have art on them later with white borders.
Here we are together!!!!! I was so happy!
I had to point out that mom captured my "rules" that are on the windows........No belt, no id, no lanyard, no tucked shirt= NO ART! hahahha i am so bossy.
Mom said she was here to take me to dinner, hang out, and spend the night. It was the very thing I needed the day after I had lost it. I needed to be loved on and my wonderful mom came to do it. And she didn't have to, you know. I wasn't even thinking she would. What a joy it was!
we drove around my cute town and then mom took me to Logans Roadhouse for steak!!!! WE LOVE STEAK
Before we went to eat mom shared with me about what the Lord has showed her that morning. The main thing that struck me and continues to kinda slap me in the face is "BE STILL". Be still. It is in the craziness that I turned my eyes off of Him. It is ok for me to be still before Him when there is so much to do around me. IT IS OK! In fact it is more than ok, He is commanding me to be still and know that He is God. That my mile long list of "to do's" belongs to HIM. I am not in control but He is. HE will get them done when He wants them done!
I keep repeating what He said to me in one of my videos...I am not a day behind in his plan. I am not a day behind. It isn't my plan that I am on but His. It is HIS plan for me and I am NOT even a day behind.
I would be lying if I said I was ok. Between evil this week and fighting my own sinful flesh, I am just worn out. But the beauty of the battle is always from the strength He gives. Fighting the loser feelings or fighting evil always makes me draw closer to God. I do not run from Him but I run to Him. Having Him fight through me is way more fun then me fighting alone. I love that hymn by Sandi Patti "There is strength in the Name of the Lord, there is power in the Name of the Lord, there is hope in the Name of the Lord.....BLESSED IS HE WHO COMES IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!"
I am claiming that promise this very night. Because the truth is, I still have a lot on my plate. There are still major decision that need to be made, there is still a time table for them to happen. I am still standing in the dark and I am still feeling totally uncomfortable. But the difference is that God has now reminded me that I am coming and going in the Name of the Lord. And in His Name I receive strength, power, and hope! He is all that I need.
My mind and thoughts are under your control, Father. I can't do it all. You have not called me to do it all. But the truth is that this is where you currently want me. Right here. Lead me, show me, discipline me, and teach me how to allow you to take captive my every thought. I need you. Thank you for the grace you pour out over my life. Forgive me for my lack of faith and trust. I know you are in control and I so desperately need you. amen