Ok everyone....today was just one of those days. You know "this day". The one where you are somewhere between being one taco short of a combination and slightly beating to a different drum. I could not for the longest put my finger on what was wrong with me. I had low energy, I was overly emotional about something that was just stupid, I was easily embarrassed two separate times today....not a norm for me AT ALL, I felt lonely, and I could hardly get through my bible study with all my...."oh isn't that bird cute....do i have to cut the grass EVERY WEEK, i wonder if anyone has updated their blog yet" BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH........... It was bubbling up and by 3 pm today I just needed a safe place and person to talk to. I just needed to get it off my chest you know.
About 4:30 I began crying out loud in the middle of my hallway.."WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME LORD?" and as I paced back and forth around the house the Holy Spirit began to show me that with all the busyness of my life after Japan, I had allowed myself to slowly take God further and further off His thrown. Explains a lot of what I have been feeling, why He practically stalked me with "what a friend we have in Jesus". I kept hearing in my head....over and over. So what is my issue? Pride...it always is...I am getting to the point where the Holy Spirit doesn't' let me stay in this attitude too long.....PRAISE HIM.....but it comes on so strong that I feel like I can't breath. SIN. I HATE SIN. I HATE IT! I HATE PRIDE...I HATE IT. I know good and well who I really am or could be should God's hand be taken off me....i'm no idiot..i know how rude or mean spirited I could become. So why the heck do I spend a whole morning letting the feelings (that are so from the Holy Spirit) just be overlooked? I was even in the middle of praying the part about "take it to the Lord in prayer".....but this pride issue was still not dealt with. Till this evening....when I just laid it all out. I hate the process of sin...but oh how I love the process of just emptying out everything on FATHER. Confession is so good! Every thought, every concern, every fear, every desire.....just putting it all out there. He knew it already. Now I am on the other side of craziness and loneliness.....because I am forgiven and reminded that it is He and only He that can be on that thrown......"all other ground is sinking sand"! YOU ARE GOOD GOD! So sorry Mom, you got caught in the middle and what I thought was wrong with me was way off. thanks for listening.
There two verses that I am clinging to this very second at 10.02 pm....
"He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy." Proverbs 28.13 can i get an amen to that
"Who may ascend into the hill of the Lord? Or who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who has not lifted up his soul to an idol, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive blessing from the LORD, and righteousness from the God of his salvation." Psalm 24.3-5
What is so great about confession is that you in turn, if it is appropriate, can share with someone else to help keep you accountable. Heather, our fav blog friend, is doing the "Beloved Disciple" with me and tonight just so happened to be our night to talk on the phone. Heather, thank you for letting me share my struggle in the most real and honest way I could. I love you friend! Julie, your prayer over me, that I just read, makes me cry. Thank you so much!
So where am I going with this..........well again I want to share How Our God is Such A Personal and Extremely Intimate GOD.........
after a long long long LONG day of dealing with myself, and oh how i was getting on my own nerves, I decided to do my daily evening walk. It had rained just a little while i was on the phone with Heather but not enough to keep me in. I have really come to love this 8 pm walk with my praise music...i just love being outside. Anyway, I got about 3 steps out my door and saw this big beautiful thing over my house......................................
oh and it gets better........i started walking out to the soccer/baseball/walking trail just on the other side of the house in front of me and saw this......................
take my breath away sunset. I then walked out into the field so that I could turn to look at the rainbow and in the middle of the yucky field grass was one very perfectly round patch of green soft grass.........That would be for me! I started thinking then....God are you taking me on a date? This was just getting better and better. So i then turned back towards the rainbow and you know what I saw..............THERE WERE 2....not just two but TWO BIG RAINBOWS!!!!!!!!!!
..SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!
Could it be? I looked around to see if this was for anyone else...no one........So there I stood in the middle of a field on a piece of perfect green grass looking at two rainbows with a sunset that you could look at for hours! Now you tell me He doesn't care about us. Tell me He doesn't hear us. I just finished up a two mile walk with my praise music on a full out Date With God! HE KNOWS WHAT WE NEED! HE IS LISTENING TO US! HE DOES DESIRE ME TO DRAW CLOSE TO HIM! HE IS STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME HAPPY AND FULL OF GENUINE JOY! Father you knew I needed to see you! I Praise YOU! THANK YOU FOR TURNING YOUR EAR TO ME! I love you!
